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| (In loving memory of my brother, Gregory. You always believed I could.) |
It's been a while since I have written something public but
recent events have driven the protocol person inside of me crazy! Through a
series of unfortunate events, I found myself seated in a funeral parlor
surrounded by friends, family, well-wishers, and onlookers. One hardly expects
to know everyone who shows up at such a gathering, but cordial behavior is
extended to all, no matter how severe the grief. But, there is a line. Crossing
it whether knowingly or unwittingly, always causes the recipient of such
foolishness to reassess their tenacious hold on their present reality. They
must first ask themselves, if the person is actually real. In times of grief,
it is easy to imagine things another way because each moment is filled with
"what if's and why's". After ascertaining the obvious, yes, there
they are, the next question becomes, "did I really hear that or did they
actually do that?" This also bears a moment's reflection because
hallucinations or surrealism often accompanies grief. And if the internal checks accept the truth
of the current situation or person, then it is incumbent on us to either smile
and step aside or politely shove them into the flowers. Either way it is handled,
it will always be remembered with extreme forgiveness at as such seemingly abrupt rudeness or
aloofness on your part, because, "poor dear, they were grieving so hard!"
Here are some general rules of protocol
for expressing condolences that allows you to express real sympathy without
becoming part of the pain:
1. Respect the family's time to grieve. I haven't spoken to
one person who hasn't been appalled at the media's "camera in face"
footage of the poor waiting families when they heard of the recent plight of
the missing Malaysian aircraft. Truly, we didn't want to share or know that
much. You are an outsider pretending to be concerned. What you call sensational
news is truly personal pain to us. Go away.
2. Refrain from asking questions which require repeating the
horrid details that led to the current situation. Clearly, no matter what could
or should have happened, didn't. To ask the same question that every
insensitive person has asked since the occurrence is like pouring salt on a
fresh cut. It burns to tears each time.
In time, you will know what is public. If you were closer than that, you
wouldn't have to ask.
3. Sudden bereavement is seldom a time of exuberance. If you
are attending the visitation, refrain from any attempt to turn it into a social
hour. Loud, rambunctious laughter may have been the past style of the deceased,
but at this moment, the reminder may not be so welcomed. Gauge the atmosphere
before joining the receiving line. Respectfully greet, smile, nod, or even hug
if appropriate, but never assume that this is the time to reminisce about the
good old days or hold up the line with inappropriate inquiries (See #2 above!)
4. Unless you are
immediate family, don't assume liberties such as pointing out perceived flaws
in the deceased dress, facial expressions, and/or other banal findings which
may ramble through your thoughts. Resist dragging unwilling participants over
to verify your findings or asking a family member to take or put something in
place. It is not party dressing but parting dress and careful scrutiny has
already occurred before you arrived.
5. Taking unsolicited
photos of grieving family members or their loved ones in the casket is a no-no!
Even if you are a professional photographer, do not attempt to corral the family,
snapping like paparazzi, or worse, asking the bereaved to smile; I assure you,
no matter how glad they are to see you, this is the last expression the face
wants to make.
6. By the same token, if the person was indebted to you in any
manner, and/or you are feeling anything other than grief, do not canvas the crowd or haggle with family members to discover details about legal
matters or proceedings. It is not only in bad taste, it reeks of rudeness and
apathy.
7. Burials are personal. Yours will be also. If you
accompany the family to the gravesite, don't' offer meaningless platitudes such
as "they are in a better place"...no, right now, the "they"
that you are mourning is being placed into the ground! While spiritually it may
mean more later, at that moment, the reality of not seeing the person tomorrow
makes rational thoughts of a better place hard to swallow. There are moments in
life when words may not be necessary. This is one of them... let the meditation
of your heart be acceptable...choose silence.
8. Don't ask for things. Leftover flowers or plants may be a
free for all at the funeral home, but selling the car or renting the house is
another. It has been said that “Death is the most viral of all life events” ,
i.e., it is big news! Some people shamelessly scour the newspapers looking for
obituaries of people they know or whose family, in their own eyes, appears
prominent or needy. Then, although the
person is barely gone, the telephone begins to ring or the letters of inquiry
arrive offering a promising solution to what appear to be "just an additional financial
hardship"! The family has a right to take their time in decisions of
disposable and release. Even if they appear burdened with excessive debt or you are privy to the personal financial status, resist the urge to become a
vulture!
9. Please remember that although something may have
been promised to you, it still belongs with the family until they can stand or bear
to part with it. If you never get it, find another way to live with your
memory. In addition, words for future peace to the wise - if a person cares enough for you to have a thing, make sure they put
it in writing.
10. A good friend, family member understands that grieving is
not quick or pleasant. Be prepared for unexplained emotions, random acts of
confusion and anguish. Learn how to "hold" an emotional moment close
in quiet empathy without demeaning the person because " it's been 3
months!". In some cultures,
grieving rituals last up to twelve months! The best way through grief is by
grieving. Rev. York, writes in an article, Seasons of Grief, that as
anniversaries, significant events or shared memories approach, allow the
bereaved to have opportunities to create
rituals of remembrance and mark milestones of memory. There is not an
prescription, a scripture or a prayer that will bring back what is missed the
most. Time heals and time, well it takes time.
I am Pamela Coopwood,
and I am Speaking of Protocol
Pamela Coopwood is a Certified Trainer of professional
Protocol and Etiquette. Her company, Speaking of Protocol, LLC, offers seminars,
classes and corporate training to enhance the soft skills to be successful in
today’s business arena.
www.speakingofprotocol.com/703-408-0403
https://twitter.com/ThePlannedEvent
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